When you know with certainty you're going to feel blessed, but God has other plans in mind, it doesn't feel good. Actually, it feels devastating beyond words. He snatches it from your waiting hands before you even get to touch it. He speaks with a deafening authority and resolute certainty that leaves nothing to wonder. And yet, it's still an answer. It may not be the answer you're looking for - an answer to your prayers - but, it's still an answer.
Sometimes an answer is all you want, even when you don't like the answer.
It's not about dealing with pain. I know what pain is, and I know I'm not alone. I've felt it try to drown me with its suffocating darkness, ripping family from this world in mangled vehicles and destructive abuse, and depositing remnants of children on sterile surgical tables and stainless steel bowls. I've yielded at times to its oppressive arm, pushing me away from light, and guiding me toward those secret and sad places where the only choices I make lead not to escape, but rather imprisonment. I've walked its filthy line and fought with ferocity to step out, turn around, and return to reality.
Sometimes reality isn't all what it's cracked up to be.
I want God to be in control of my life as much as I don't want Him to be in control of my life. Yielding everything is as comforting as it is frightening. That warm and gentle place I get to reside in throughout my life only feels welcoming if I'm invited and I choose to visit it. Amazingly, though, it's that same place I'm delivered to when I've spurned the invitation, chosen to avoid it, and need it the most. No matter what I do, or don't do, it's there. It's always there. And, that's when I'm reminded, and I inhale and then exhale with relief and peace.
Sometimes His sovereignty is always His sovereignty is absolute ... because our sometimes is His all the time.
Praying for you both as you wrestle with today's non-answer. Wish I had more encouraging words for you...but we're here if you need anything!
ReplyDeleteTom, I once again need to say thank you for sharing your pain. I wish you had none to write about, but it helps knowing that their are people who walk in darkness, sometimes, and question the whys of life. I just want to share a poem that a good friend, who passed away in 2012 to her 20 year cancer fight, shared with me awhile back. It won't cure your pain of loss, but know people are here with you.
ReplyDeleteAnd God Said No
by Claudia Minden Weisz
I asked God to take away my pride. And God said “No”.
He said it was not for Him to take away, but for me to give up.
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole. And God said “No”.
He said her spirit was whole, her body was only temporary.
I asked God to grant me patience. And God said “No”.
He said patience is a by-product of tribulations. It isn’t granted, it is earned.
I asked God to give me happiness. And God said “No”.
He said He gives me blessings, happiness is up to me.
I asked God to spare me pain. And God said “No”.
He said suffering draws me apart from worldly cares and brings me closer to Him.
I asked God to make my spirit grow. And God said “No”.
He said I must grow on my own. But He will prune me to make me fruitful.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. And God said “No”.
He said He will give me life, that I may enjoy all things.
I ask God to help me love others, as much as he loves me.
And God said “Ah, finally you have the idea!”
I'm praying for you.