I run away from my problems. I hide from them, seemingly protected by the glare of a screen showing me another life, another story - one that's not my own. How quickly I can divorce myself from the grips of reality, and cleave to the comforting embrace of elsewhere. Pages invite me in as well, just as song, slowly at first with distractions everywhere; but, soon I am gone once more, sheltered in a place that grants me solace, even if just for a moment.
As if in a bunker of my own creation, I pretend to guard myself against the troubles of the external. Allowing no admittance, wrapped up in myself, time passes without concern for a single soul. The thought of interacting with another human being crosses my mind like a piercing strike to the shin, planting an ache that will seemingly never heal. "Leave me alone," is the cry of my heart, while the need for attention defeats the agonizing call each and every time.
The simplicity of finding pain when attempting to escape it is an art I have mastered. What once was the drag, the swallow, the gulp of poison, is now the gluttonous pursuit of fare - And nothing ever satisfies - And everything always destroys. I hear the voices calling me late at night, convincing me that it will be the next one, not this one, but the next one, that will take it all away. Buried in my own lies, I look to point the finger when all the while the blame rests in but a single place.
I have always failed, and I'm fairly certain I always will. The success of my endeavors, my escapology, have always relied on phenomena beyond my simple skills. A constant pursuit of me results in my captivity with consistent assuredness. The same outcome is the only outcome deserving any appreciation. It is drenched in sophistication, wrought with preciseness, and handed to me with gentleness unsurpassed. And it is in my capture that I find deliverance.
When you know with certainty you're going to feel blessed, but God has other plans in mind, it doesn't feel good. Actually, it feels devastating beyond words. He snatches it from your waiting hands before you even get to touch it. He speaks with a deafening authority and resolute certainty that leaves nothing to wonder. And yet, it's still an answer. It may not be the answer you're looking for - an answer to your prayers - but, it's still an answer.
Sometimes an answer is all you want, even when you don't like the answer.
It's not about dealing with pain. I know what pain is, and I know I'm not alone. I've felt it try to drown me with its suffocating darkness, ripping family from this world in mangled vehicles and destructive abuse, and depositing remnants of children on sterile surgical tables and stainless steel bowls. I've yielded at times to its oppressive arm, pushing me away from light, and guiding me toward those secret and sad places where the only choices I make lead not to escape, but rather imprisonment. I've walked its filthy line and fought with ferocity to step out, turn around, and return to reality.
Sometimes reality isn't all what it's cracked up to be.
I want God to be in control of my life as much as I don't want Him to be in control of my life. Yielding everything is as comforting as it is frightening. That warm and gentle place I get to reside in throughout my life only feels welcoming if I'm invited and I choose to visit it. Amazingly, though, it's that same place I'm delivered to when I've spurned the invitation, chosen to avoid it, and need it the most. No matter what I do, or don't do, it's there. It's always there. And, that's when I'm reminded, and I inhale and then exhale with relief and peace.
Sometimes His sovereignty is always His sovereignty is absolute ... because our sometimes is His all the time.
Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. ~ 1 Corinthians 8:1
Sometimes I can't even muster up the energy to pray on my way to work. It's my little ritual, helping me establish direction for the day. My moment of clarity, if you will. Still, sometimes all I can do is flip on the radio station and listen to K-LOVE or WAY-FM, hoping to find some encouragement or perhaps an explanation of how I connected with God today. I'm not even sure who I think I need to explain this to, if not myself.
The need to feel as though I am in relationship with Jesus Christ isn't born out of guilt, though. I have plenty of history with understanding what my life is like when I'm not leaning on The Lord. Indeed, my connection is recognized as essential to me as breathing. Breathing, however, I can do without any effort at all. I'm not consciously reaching into some reservoir for the energy required to just take in air - You know, it's even like eating and drinking - I just do it (and typically excessively at that).
So, I beg my soul for the desire to shift out of neutral. I turn to Him like I always do when I really want to get something accomplished, when I know I need something accomplished. And, He delivers, as always. Dylan Thomas wrote, "The force that drives the water through the rocks drives my red blood," and I know what that Force is. That Force intimately knows me. I depend on that Force to feed me clarity that I can gain through no effort of my own. And, when I least expect it, the necessity of the moment hits me.
This is my command: Love each other. ~ John 15:17
Does it get any easier than this? Can it be made any more clear to us? Must we endlessly seek out ways to exclude ourselves from this commandment, or exclude others from benefiting from this commandment? Certainly everyone reads that and gets it, right? What kind of interpretation is needed here? Why do we have to go and mess this up with our self-righteous comments like, "God helps those who help themselves."? I mean, what else goes so far against Biblical Truth than a statement like that? And my enlightenment reminds me of the pervasiveness of my pride, and how it consistently overwhelms even the hint of humility.
And on I go, looking for answers, and resting in the certainty of His grace and love.
For I can testify about them that they are zealous for God, but their zeal is not based on knowledge. ~ Romans 10:2
Allow me to apologize. I wish I could demonstrate grace more consistently with all - Please believe me when I tell you that I truly, honestly, and consistently try - I really do. While He sets the perfect example, my attempts to follow that example frequently fall short. I'll keep trying, and with His love and strength, I know that it is possible to forever grow. It is with this humble confession that I must tell you where my heart is presently struggling. For that matter, it's where it's been struggling, for quite some time now.
As an evangelical Christian, I'm quite used to feeling the sorrow and even the wrath of those who view life differently. I am more than O.K. with this, and I don't remotely feel persecuted because of this. In fact, I feel quite fortunate to not face the challenges those who live elsewhere must survive while claiming to follow Christ. I get to profess my faith openly, and for that I am very grateful. Indeed, I feel blessed to even have the opportunities to struggle in conversation with those who believe differently than I do, for it gives me an opportunity to learn, and to share, and to love. And that, my friends, is where I'm struggling.
I desire to live a life that is different. I believe I'm actually called to do that, but I truly do desire that. The pain and the sorrow I am experiencing in my attempts to do that fall intensely short of the pain and sorrow others are experiencing because of the attempts by my brothers and sisters to do the same. Dear fellow Christians, many of you are missing the mark so drastically, I truly feel compelled to call you out. With this I risk demonstrating that I think I know best, or that I am misguided, or that I need to be called out. However, it worries me not if it will possibly mean more love for all.
Now, I've read my Bible from cover to cover, and I've done so on more than one occasion. I will not profess to know more about God's word than others, but I will also not pretend to not have a pretty good handle on His love story for all of us. There was a phrase that became enormously popular for a while when I was younger, and that was, WWJD: "What Would Jesus Do?" I firmly believe that Christians share the intent of this message to truly know, comprehend, and live out life as Jesus has shown us. He is the ultimate example, and I truly believe we all think that. I also truly believe we all know what He did for us. I also truly believe we all want to walk with Him forever. So, with that, I implore you: Stop doing it wrong.
Since they did not know the righteousness that comes from God and sought to establish their own, they did not submit to God's righteousness. ~ Romans 10:3
Stop pretending that love doesn't win. Stop acting like there are conditions around serving others. Stop making excuses for not doing absolutely everything in your power to help others. Stop desecrating the grace shown to all of us for all of our sins. Stop using scripture to punish others. Stop using the poor example of communication by some as an excuse for yours. Stop saying to people - through your words and/or your actions - that "I love you, but ..." It isn't "but" anything. It just is. So with that, I implore you: Start doing it right.
Start reaching out to everyone with open arms, an open mind, and an open heart. Start showing others that even though you are a sinner - and you are, we all are - you are dearly loved. Start making people say, "Wow, that person loves everyone." Start helping others realize that they are valued for exactly who they are, and they are loved for exactly who they are, and they are forgiven for exactly who they are, and they are redeemed for exactly who they are. Start recognizing that perception is reality, and we are called to love God, love others, and spread the good news.
Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes. ~ Romans 10:4
People sometimes ask me, "What's wrong?" Usually, I honestly don't actually know specifically what's wrong, but instead of getting into that hot mess, I just tell them, "Nothing." They don't buy that, and they shouldn't. Of course something's wrong. As much as I try to fight against it, and as much as I don't want it to be true, and as much as I know it doesn't really matter just as much as it really matters, of course something's wrong.
I feel punished. Punished for what I've done and have failed to do. Punished for what I'm doing and fail to do. Punished for what I have yet to do and will fail to do. Woe is me.
Naughty as I am, that which has come my way has been richly deserved. I measure His plans for me by the amount of time I feel shamed. And there's something reassuring about the pain, even as it courses through me like some incurable disease. The more I am broken, the more He will work to put me together again. But it just doesn't feel like that. No. It feels like I am punished, and I always will be.
I know how my daughters, and the students I serve, feel when I punish them. Using the word makes me feel uncomfortable, but let's be honest, parents punish their children, and educators punish students. We punish one another. You can use whatever words make you feel more comfortable, but when it comes down to it, it's still punishment. Sorry, I don't know where I was headed there. Anyway, they may not believe I know how they feel, but I do. Sure as all get out I do. As certain as I am about understanding those feelings, I also know something else: When we are truly listened to, and when we truly listen, then we are learning. Punishment, then, isn't the beginning or the ending of the story.
"It is a simple matter for the shadow to go forward ten steps ... " ~ 2 Kings 20:10
We give ourselves too much credit. I suppose it's because we don't fully comprehend how active God is in our lives, and I assume it's because we want control over things that we do not and cannot. My recent experience, even though I know now I'll die another day, gave me an opportunity to wonder.
That voice that told me what to do, that voice that tells us what to do - you know, that "gut feeling" we get? So often we think it's our common sense drowning out our stupidity. I guess, in a way, it is. However, I know it's more than that. In a very real way, it's God speaking to us, and in very real ways, we need to learn from this. My humanity often gets in the way of me doing the right thing, but there's a reason I sometimes elect to do the right thing. It's not because I suddenly got smarter, or because I happened to no longer wish to take the easy way out. No, that's giving ourselves too much credit. Our inflated egos go a long way toward continuing to inflate our egos. A little humility might help us recognize we're just a bit smaller in the big picture.
Can we learn from our mistakes? Most definitely we can. But, let's just remember that since they are our mistakes, then it's not from ourselves that we are learning. We are, in fact, listening and responding. Because God, in fact, is speaking and acting.
*****
Hezekiah had asked Isaiah, "What will be the sign that the Lord will heal me and that I will go up to the temple of the Lord on the third day from now?"
Isaiah answered, "This is the Lord's sign to you that the Lord will do what he has promised: Shall the shadow go forward ten steps, or shall it go back ten steps?"
"It is a simple matter for the shadow to go forward ten steps," said Hezekiah. "Rather, have it go back ten steps."
Then the prophet Isaiah called upon the Lord, and the Lord made the shadow go back the ten steps it had gone down on the stairway of Ahaz.
For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God. ~ Deuteronomy 4:24
As I write this, Colorado burns. I struggle to comprehend the destruction that has already occurred. So many acres, so many homes, so many fires. The lives impacted are many, and those fighting to halt this raging force face what seems insurmountable. Yet, I know this too will pass.
For the Lord your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you. ~ Deuteronomy 4:31
The presence and smell of smoke is evident, especially in the morning hours. I feel so fortunate I have avoided the fate so many others have not. Grateful that while all have not escaped unharmed or even alive, there's solace in knowing that refreshment is in sight.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert. ~ Isaiah 35:6
I hope for encouragement, for peace, for washing, for renewal.
